The Sacrifices Toothpaste Companies Force On Us

If you pop down to shops to get yourself some toothpaste, you'll find yourself in one hell of a dilemma. You see, the toothpaste companies tell us that experts agree factors x, y and/or z are the leading cause of dental problems p, q and/or r and have designed their products accordingly.

For example, if you're worried about cavities, why not try some Cavity Protection toothpaste, 'designed to repair weak spots before cavities start' - brilliant! But wait, if you pick Cavity Protection, are you intentionally giving up the benefits of Enamel Protect? After all, I'm pretty sure I want my enamel protected, especially as the product page asks me in bold letters, 'Is your lifestyle putting your oral health at risk?' I don't want to put my oral health at risk! I mean, I only brush my teeth once a day, but still... that's even more reason to pick the right toothpaste!

And so it goes on... Deep Clean, Multi-Protection, Oxygen (promising a mouth as fresh as oxygen), Sensitive, Sensitive Pro-Relief (why would you buy the lesser-relief product?)... And then there are the Whitening products, which makes me wonder that if I don't go down a whitening route, will my healthy, strong teeth look like a row of corn kernels? I'd like my teeth to look vaguely white - is that so much to ask?

But then - a solution at hand? Colgate Total Advanced. 'Total' sounds like they've covered all the bases, right? Checking the product page tells me that it fights cavities, gum problems, plaque, tartar, staining, bad breath, sensitive teeth and enamel erosion. Brilliant, right? Makes you wonder why they don't just bin the other 16 products from their line up. Are there seriously people out there who think, 'I want healthy teeth... but not that healthy. Leave me exposed to tartar, but cover me for cavities.'? Who are these people?

And then, and then: just when I think the solution is at hand, I find that the Total Advanced contains four separate products: Clean, Whitening, Freshening. Now I have to sacrifice freshness for cleanliness?

I used to have these thoughts about condoms. If I want to get my end away, why can't I be extra-protected and feel pleasure and allow my ladyfriend to feel pleasure and have longer lasting sex and have tingling and be fruity flavoursome and be non-latex (if my allergies were so determined)? But I can accept this, because sex is for fun, so one night can be pleasure time for the lady and the next night can come up smelling of strawberries. No harm done. But with toothpaste, this is my oral health. If I alternate my toothpastes, will I have to be paranoid about my cavities on Wednesdays, while spending all Saturday covering my mouth because it'll be lacking in minty freshness? It's a disgrace! This is the 21st century. The toothpaste people need to get their shit together.